(Meditation for Gayton Road Christian Church's Christmas Eve Service, 2018)
The Darkness of Not Knowing
Some people leave the bathroom door ajar,
enough that a little light escapes.
Others plug a nightlight into the wall. When I was little, we would leave the light on in the
hallway. And I would leave my door
open and sleep on my side facing the light.
My parents explained me to once that the
darkness wasn’t bad. It was just a
condition. Darkness meant not
seeing, not knowing. But not knowing was scary to me. So I continued to sleep on my side
facing the hallway, where I could see the light.
Sometimes the light was not enough. When I awoke from a bad dream, the
gentle glow of the hallway did not calm me. Being able to see my surroundings did not put my mind to
rest. Because it still felt dark. Not outside me, but inside me. Deep within, where the bad dream lingered, it was still
dark. I couldn’t see, I didn’t
know. I didn’t know for sure if I
was safe, whether in the days to come I would be hurt or not, whether tomorrow
would bring good things or bad.
A Story of Light and Dark
All three Christmas stories in the
gospels talk about light in the darkness.
The angels shimmering in the dusk.
The star sparkling before the magi in the night sky. The light of the world that shines in
the darkness.
Each story summons up the simple contrast
that we have known since our earliest memories. Light and dark.
It is a powerful image, one that uses the darkness outside to point to
the darkness inside. For it was
two thousand years ago as it is today: inside, there is much that we can’t see,
that we don’t know. In the darkness of illness, we don’t
know what will make things better.
In the darkness of loss, we don’t know how we will go on. In the darkness of conflict, we don’t
know exactly what’s wrong, or how things could be made right.
Sometimes we turn the story of light and
dark into a battle, so that light is good and dark is bad. But I wonder if that’s what’s happening
in the Christmas story. Because
there’s no mention of the darkness being defeated or overcome. The light does not remove the darkness
entirely. It simply shines in the darkness.
The Light of Love
When I awoke from a bad dream and the
hallway light was not enough for me, I walked down the hallway, pushed open my
parents’ door, and woke up them up.
One of them would walk back with me to my room and sit on the side of my
bed. And that was stronger than
all the light in the world.
If I’m being honest, there was still
darkness inside. There were things
that I didn’t know, like what tomorrow would bring, or whether my worries would
come true, or what challenge would confront me next.
But how else can I say it? The light now was enough. Not the hallway light. But my parents’ love.
The Love of God
We all live in darkness. It’s not bad. It’s just the condition. It just means there are things we can’t see, things we don’t
know.
But how else can I say it? The light now is enough. Not the light of the stars or the
angels. But the love of God—if you
would believe it—here by our side.
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